I know, I know, I’m sorry! I leave you with a post about death, disappear for ages, then come back again with another down post. I promise I didn’t intend it to end up this way. I made plans and everything. I was going to do a light-hearted post about guinea pigs, I mean who doesn’t love piggywigs?
Then more time passed and I thought ‘It’s ok, I’ll just be super productive and do two posts in one week to make up for it’. But I still didn’t post anything. Finally I thought ‘I know, I’ll just do a quick list of things that have happened recently that are vaguely humorous and it’ll all be fine’. But even that was put off.
So I’ve finally come back today. I really wanted to do just a silly, throw away post that would make people laugh, something nice and light-hearted. But I just couldn’t. the problem with me is that I’m too honest. This was proven painfully last night when boyfriend (who I will call Burly from now on) taught me how to play poker with sweeties for chips. One kind of these little sweeties was little spongy green frogs that I find incredibly cute. Already Burly latched on to this and made theirs the highest value worth ten. As we were playing, it became very obvious that I would only dare to gamble my froggies if I thought I had a good set of cards. However, at the same time, if Burly were to bet a froggy, I’d find the drive to expand my froggy army too great and I would be lured very easily into the trap of matching his stake at the thought of winning just one more frog. Needless to say I lost everything. Poker is definitely not a game for me.
So when it comes to writing my post today I just can’t seem to pretend to be carefree and jovial. It just seems really false when that’s not how I’m feeling at all right now. This is actually a tiny bit amusing to me as if you were to ask me outright, I’d go on to auto pilot and say ‘yeah I’m alright thanks’. In fact I’ve been doing that a lot lately since the move. People ask ‘so how are you getting on?’ and I’ll reply ‘yeah I’m ok’ and then quickly divert the conversation away from me and on to how well Burly is doing in his job and how proud I am of him for making so many friends so quickly.
Because the truth is I’m not ok. Basically I’m going through one of my typical periods of time where I’m teetering on the edge of sheer panic. I just feel so extremely inadequate right now. And lost. I have no idea what’s going to happen to me. most days I just sit at home and panic inwardly about everything.
This is how I spend most of my days:
8:30am wake up. realise I’m unhappy. Go back to sleep.
10am. Wake up. Still unhappy. Watch youtube to distract me
11:30am tummy grumbles but ignore it
1pm finally brave the living room. Unhappy. Watch telly. Scrape together some food.
1pm-5pm think about how everything is crap. Look at all the chores that need doing. Feel absolutely no drive to touch any of it. Wallow in self pity. Think about suicide.
5pm Burly home. Instantly feel guilt for having done nothing in the house.
5:30pm – 11pm Try really hard to supress the sadness as I know Burly wants to relax. Works at first but feel more and more sad and lost as the night goes on. Think about suicide again. Begin to feel panic.
11pm Bed time. Or so we thought. Instead as soon as the light goes out I begin to cry and all my worries come out. Burly tries his best to make me feel better even though he’s missing valuable sleep.
12:30pm finally stop crying. Burly falls asleep. I lie awake instead.
1:30am fall asleep
yes I know. Woe is me. I just need to suck it up and get on with it…
Right so, just to prove my point brilliantly, after writing that first part I began to panic. So I went away for a few hours, cried and baked a cake. It was delicious, even though it was a product of my misery.
But seriously, Burly came home to find me crying yet again and I just felt terrible. He has enough to deal with going to work every day. He comes home wanting to relax just to find me in a state the moment he opens the door. As usual he’s brilliant though. He just wants to love me and stop me hurting. And I am hurting a lot. I’m missing my friends terribly, I’m depressed about having no work and I feel trapped in the house as I have nowhere to go/I’m scared to leave. I’m really at a loss as to what’s going to happen to me from now on. For years I knew that I was going to be a vet, but now that I’ve left uni early that’s not possible any more. I was so certain of what my life was going to be that now that I’m faced with it not happening I’m totally underprepared. I don’t even have a clue what the degree I did come away with even qualifies me for. It seems as though the vet school have no idea either. When I first asked them for help their first piece of advice was ‘go and ask your boyfriend, he did a science degree’. When I said that advice was crap and that I wanted proper examples of what I could do with my amazing Bachelor of Veterinary Medical Sciences degree, I was provided with ‘become a maths teacher’, or ‘take up photography’. Yes, because after SIX YEARS of studying and developing my love and knowledge of animals (and not to mention racking up a staggering amount of student loan debt), doing a completely unrelated job is exactly what I want.
I’ve applied for so many animal related jobs, from animal lecturer to part-time Pets at Home shop assistant but non have wanted me. I’m lucky if I even get a generic, pre-typed rejection. I either don’t have enough relevant experience (despite having racked up 31 weeks of experience during my course) or I’m over qualified. It really hurts me deeply not to be working. All I wanted to do with my life was to help animals and people and it just seems so unfair to me that I’m not allowed to do that. The situation has gotten me so down that I’m getting ill again and I need to take time to look after myself before I continue to look for work.
After I baked my cake I calmed down a lot and we started to talk about what could help me right now. I’m just getting more and more down every day, especially now that I don’t have my lovely friends or Quidditch to keep my spirits up. I need to find a way to get me out of the house, meeting new people and getting confident again, but it has to be small to begin with so that I don’t get scared off. Burly brought up the idea of volunteering again. I’ve enjoyed volunteering before in the past and had been considering it as a way to keep my mind active and happy. So from now on I’m going to be putting my name forward for volunteering opportunities (if there happens to be anyone from the Southampton area reading this who knows of a volunteer project I can get involved in let me know!).
Another thing Burly wants me to do is get involved in Quidditch down here. I’m pretty sure anyone within a 5 mile radius of me knows of my adoration of Quidditch. I have so much love for it it seems to just seep out of my pores. And it turns out that there is indeed a Southampton Quidditch team. At first I was extremely excited about this if a little apprehensive as Nottingham rules are non-contact (netball crossed with dodgeball) whereas Southampton use IQA rules (rugby crossed with dodgeball). A couple of weeks ago we popped along to the British Quidditch Cup taking place at Oxford Uni so that I could meet up with the newly formed IQA team from Nottingham and get a sneaky peak at how IQA is played. It was a huge mistake.
IQA IS BLOODY TERRIFYING!! I knew that there was contact involved but seriously! I saw one guy fall onto his neck at a rather sickening angle. He was fine, just a bit shaken up but I was horrified.
Then another girl was tackled to the ground in such a way that her broomstick snapped into three jagged pieces. Again she was ok and everyone was laughing around me, but I was just wide-eyed with terror thinking ‘what if she got impaled!?!’.
Burly however is adamant that I am going to join. He’s certain that joining will be good for me because I’ll make new friends and feel so much happier being back at Quidditch again (which I know he’s right about). He also keeps reassuring me that they’ll be happy to have me even if I’m not athletic (which I’m convinced he’s wrong about). Anyway, we’re probably going to go along next Sunday so be prepared for a hilarious post next week about what an absolute epic fail it was.
- Quarter-Life Crisis, You Say? (myamusingdispositions.wordpress.com)